by Lawrence J. J. Leonard
Inspired by the 1972 Mad Magazine issue “Mad about Sports”, I present to you the 21st Century American version of “You know you’ve really got a problem when . . .”
You know you’ve really got a problem when:
– A friend’s party designed for singles is where you bump into your ex.
– A ticket taker at the theater calls you ‘ma’am’ although you are only 26 years old.
– Halfway into an intimate telephone conversation you realize you are pillow talking with your girlfriend’s mother.
– Leaving for work early you beat the traffic and get to your desk on time! Then you suddenly realize it was your turn to carpool your daughter’s friends to school.
– Pushing the send button prematurely on your smartphone accidentally broadcasts an “I love you” message to your entire male work team.
– Someone leaves a box with a red button labeled “push” on your front door. When you bring it inside your house and push the button, there’s a knock at your door. When you open it, there’s another box with a red button.
– The bakery clerk motions you to come to the cash register but what you came to get is where you are standing, at display case three aisles away.
– The bruise on your leg can be seen in the dark.
– The crowd goes wild for your pick-six football interception, and you throw the football in the air to celebrate as you step across the One Yard Line.
– The dollar store you shop at is really an everything-has a-different-price store.
– The grocery store clerk forgot to bag the condoms you bought. Or did he?
– The girl whose social media account you hacked is really your parole officer’s.
– The priest in the confessional says, “Wait. I remember you.”
– The visiting hockey team fans treat your ice rink like it’s their home ice (catfish).
– Turning off your smart TV does not shut it down, because it is recording you.
– You break off your car’s rear-view mirror by hitting the garage wall because you are fascinated with the reverse camera monitor video.
– You exit the freeway and drive too closely to a bicycle gang slowing down to a stop.
– You go to pick up a dust ball and it crawls away from you because it’s a spider.
– You stay up all night doing your son’s homework project and the next day get a teacher’s note saying it was the worst one in the class.
– You unpack a special air cargo case of large lobsters, take a picture of yourself abusing them, post it on social media, but tell the judge that was part of your TSA job.
– Your Artificial Intelligence robot which cooks, cleans your house, and pays your bills takes a day off because it caught a virus.
– Your new boss brings you along for a golf foursome and wonders out loud about how to get his balls clean just before your long putt to the pin.
– Your supervisor gets promoted but fills her old position with that dimwit friend of hers.
– Your Top Sergeant tells your platoon to ‘dig a hole’ but you are standing on a rocky mountain top.
Copyright © 1960-2017 Lawrence J. J. Leonard All rights reserved.