by Lawrence J. J. Leonard
Squint your eyes and say it fast
and it all smells of a fine . . . casserole.
Meat: Did you take your morning organic chemical compound and vital nutrients
in limited amounts which you cannot synthesize yourself?
No-Meat: Yes. I see you have been supplementing your regular meals
with minerals, fiber, fatty acids, and amino acids
that have been classified as drugs in other countries.
Meat: Hmm. Do you think the yet undiscovered Cretaceous hominids
got an extra charge from gnawing on pterodactyl bones?
Maybe this began the energy boost fad.
No-Meat: Originally, the reason for fast food – energy.
But, that nickname is because it makes money fast.
Meat: Check this out. See? I was at the burger mansion
and ordered this double meat.
But then on my way here,
this radio story says they “accidentally” sold kangaroo, not beef.
No-Meat: I say bad nutrition is what causes millions of Brits to
mispronounce the “th” in the phrase:
“Think of the fink who thinks that
fat is a pair of thin paraffin pathways.”
Meat: Awesome. Boggles the mind.
And they would have to call it ‘Beeth’ wouldn’t they?
No-Meat: Naturally. You know? I have decided to live longer by exercise
and vitamin supplements and yoga
and pull ups and clean clothes
and I don’t go outside much.
Meat: What happened to long walks after a savory dinner,
and Saturday runs in the park among the evergreens,
and Sundays on the porch with wine and the breeze?
No-Meat: That requires a lot of extra heavy breathing.
I am convinced that all that heavy breathing
is contributing to global warming.
Meat: There are 500 known active volcanoes all over the world.
You think your huffing and puffing is a factor in Earth heat?
No-Meat: Yeah, but I also burp and do that other thing.
Meat: Uh huh. You and all the election protesters,
flag burners, beer drinkers, jet setters,
yacht captains, electric power investors,
and people who own more than one house,
all contribute to global warming?
No-Meat: Hypocrites, right?
So now I just murder plants and mushrooms and tofu.
This quinoa is a little bland
Meat: Hot air needs to be expelled.
No-Meat: But if that happens, won’t Earth just get hotter?
Meat: Now you‘ve put your foot in it.
Pass the ketchup.
Copyright © 1960-2016 Lawrence J. J. Leonard All rights reserved