Secrets of Relationship

by Lawrence J. J. Leonard

Here is information that I have learned about from leading psychologists and therapists who have spent their lives researching and cultivating the truth about
HOW Relationship is defined and
WHAT Relationship means to humans on Earth who long for friendship.

First, go to where people gather.

Relationship is defined as:

  • communicating within the physical proximity of another person (connection) and
  • expressing feelings and concerns (involvement) which
  • are shared for the purpose of building a long-term commitment for affection      and protection (alliance).

Relationship is not electronic text, is not an exchange of body fluids, is not the superficial conversations given in the workplace.

Neither is it how “hot” you perceive yourself to be or how “hot” you perceive your partner to be.  In this same vein, ‘friends with benefits’ is a mutual exchange which
EXCLUDES caring and expectations of long-term support.

The one and only one exception is when two (or more) are at great distances AND
decide to correspond by handwritten letters or video chat AND
be consistent in their communications AND
the letters or live video are vehicles to express feeling and concern AND
the time required to correspond is part of “making the relationship work.”

Secrets of Relationship

When there is one of us, each seeks out a group. Two can be a group.
Groups are evolutionarily advantageous for procreating children, resource gathering, and defense of group members. Plus, there are more benefits.

Men and women have a lot in common.
Among men there are great differences. Some are caring, others loathsome.
Among women there are great differences. Some are caring, others loathsome.

Self-relationship

If we are not self-reliant, expressive, or a ‘go-getter,’
we tend to have a low self-esteem.
Relationship is based on communication – use your words –
hand write notes – express affection. Express yourself.
The more grounded your self-esteem,
the more optimistic you can become.

If we expect to be **liked** by a stranger, we are.
If we expect to be **disliked** by a stranger, we are.

We need to manage our impressions.

Form a positive relationship. The first / primary / information we have about an individual will  influence how we process information about them in the coming weeks and months. Give a good impression by being friendly and honest.

Meeting someone for the first time can cause anxiety. We sometimes use the wrong words to get attention. Getting “picked up” can be considered clever or innocuous:

Pick up Line: ‘G_d was showing off when he made you.’

If told by a woman to a man, the Man hears: Sexually available for short-term
If told by a man to a woman, the Woman hears: Direct but innocuous

NOT because it is a flirtatious line, but because the possibility of rejection is low.

If the possibility of rejection were high, then your best features may be discounted.
What are your best features?
These are often: loyal, can cook, great with budgets, funny, creative, and / or  supportive and caring. We look for these traits in potential mates.

Relationship demands the discovery of similarities.
Value is placed on shared attitudes and beliefs.

The significance of Physical Appearance

Physical appearance can be a NON-Factor for a woman because she values more: warmth, resources, loyalty, and status from her mate.

Status and Resources can be a NON-Factor for a man because he values more:
 loyalty, attractiveness, warmth, and vitality from his mate.

Men, the secret to relationship is to get yourself together first.
Show you be a good provider, be active, be caring, and guard and protect your potential mate’s feelings and well-being.

Women the secret to relationship is to pull yourself together first.
Make the effort to be gentle and loving, take good care of yourself, and love life.

I know a man who was considered overweight by the U,S, National Life Insurance   Build Chart by 55 pounds (25 kg).  He was a marathon runner, his blood pressure was 120/70 with no drugs.  He was healthy and he loved life.

Don’t use a chart.  Compete with yourself. Healthy is sexy.
REMEMBER: What we think determines how we feel and act.

Interest in Relationship

Men cannot tell the difference between sexual interest and flirtation as well as women can.
Women who are intending only to be fun and festive (and that’s all) are very often misunderstood.

Men need to work on their non-verbal communication skills.
When no means ‘no’ IT IS OFTEN IDENTIFIED with a non-verbal cue, such as walking away, silence, or head shaking.

NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION REQUIRES EFFORT.

Both Men and Women with a High Status personalities will:
– Smile less and stare more
– Become asymmetric with their posture to express attraction
– Keep a distance
– Use touch more
– Use tones and rhythms in their speaking to express attraction

Men and women who are not large group leaders tend to smile more.

Intimacy in Relationship is when :
– partners reveal their personal information
– conversation topics are more varied
– the meaning of conversations are significant personally
– partners reciprocate the personal stories and responsiveness (trust building)
– partners are attentive to the subject discussed.

Men interrupt more, and do a lot of talking.
Women are not as assertive, use questions (and inflected sentences) more than men.

When intimacy becomes a conflict

Stay cool. Remaining calm is a very valuable skill.
Take a timeout to prevent trading of sarcastic insults.

If you take a deep breath every 10 seconds, you will stop angry talk                       and listen more.

Validating your partner’s opinion and respect for position (even if disagreeable) is mature.  Understanding a partner’s point of view can make disagreements tolerable.

The older you get (the longer you work at it) the more positive you become.
Love by mature people is considered an asset, not a by-product of sex.

Chemistry Class

Phenethylamine (PEA), is an organic compound and a natural monoamine alkaloid.
It functions as a neuro-modulator and a neurotransmitter in the human central nervous system.   Found in many other foods, such as chocolate,  it is sold as a dietary supplement for purported mood and weight loss-related therapeutic benefits.

PEA, some researchers say, may be the chemical that is related to passion.
Ever get a rush to stay up all night talking on the phone with someone you are interested in?
It could be that you have passionate feelings for this person.

Passionate Love

Passion decreases as commitment builds.
Passion increases as intimacy increases.
Passion is a neurochemical experience very different from commitment and attachment.

Men experience less love toward their partner when sexually aroused.
Passionate love is a physiological response.
Passion is the precursor to jealousy, obsession, and mania.

If you hear or say: ‘I love you, but I am not in love with you’
this means there is no passion in the relationship.

Established couples can experience compassionate love.
It is more stable than simple passionate love.

Deep affection also can then be attained.
This prevents cheating.

Cheating is caused by a low level of satisfaction with the relationship.
It is a sign of a lack of commitment.

Power in Relationship

The partner who is less dependent on the relationship has more power within it.
Behavior control power lets you be encouraging but not leverage or compel a partner
to do or express a desired behavior.

Power types
Referent – emerges from respect and love. (women do this more than men)
Reward – to give tangible or intangible rewards that are desired.
Expert – recognized as superior information, knowledge
Universal – an exchange, e.g. money, for any situations
Legitimate – a reasonable right to tell the other what to do (men do this more than women)

If men feel less love from their partners, less satisfied, they are more likely to take on abusive attitudes and actions.
DO NOT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE PARTNERSHIP.
This is not Relationship.

Communication is key

Arguing and fighting with criticism, withdrawal, and contempt causes a hostile environment.
Relationship means NOT responding in kind to occasional angry outbursts.  Relationship means no tit for tat.

Negotiate by lowering your voice.
Be polite in every conversation.

Compromise does not mean “lose.” It can mean long-term respect and commitment.
• Be flexible when speaking. Give each other space to answer questions.
• Tell the truth about what you like and don’t like when discussing topics.

If you want commitment, think of the “we” and the “us” more often than the “me.”

It takes MORE energy to consciously ignore a problem than it does to forgive a transgression.  Save energy.   Be forgiving.

  1. Find time to play.
  2. Engage in similar and commonly enjoyed activities.
  3. Be a ready resource of support and concern for your partner’s issues.

Summary

1.  Make the effort to go where the people are.
When you do, engage them in questions and conversations.

2.  What you tell yourself is what will happen.
If you expect a negative outcome it will happen.
If you expect a positive outcome it will happen.

3.  Emotions cause a reaction.
Use your words to explain your feelings… then express your emotions.

4.  You are your best ally.
If you want relationship in your life, go where the people are.
Ask questions of those around you.

5.  Be expressive.
Flirt.
Smile.
Hum.
Be thankful.
Be polite.
Be considerate.
Let people know when you are not satisfied.
Let people know how grateful you are.

6.  Make eye contact.

7.  Don’t be afraid to say ‘yes.’
Don’t be afraid to say ‘no.’

Copyright © 1960-2015 Lawrence J. J. Leonard  All rights reserved

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