by Lawrence J. J. Leonard
To the boy who wants to marry my girl.
To the girl who wants to marry my boy.
There are quirks you are getting yourself into and the obligations from which you have no recourse but to stick it out until you are dead. Why? Because you are making a vow that cannot be broken by human laws. We are spiritual beings that connect and stay connected long after this generation is dead and buried.
That young and beautiful thing you want to live with in a home, make a family with, and rearrange furniture and pay bills on time with – besides visiting mom and dad periodically – has a program script you don’t see in the audition, the dating time.
A girl wants to be treated like a queen even though she is only a princess. She wants to be indulged but doesn’t want everything she shops for, because chasing down a sale is more fun than buying the thing. So, when you buy presents, or for that matter make presents, be sure they are things you want to give her. If she reacts with that disappointed look, make sure you don’t see it the whole time you are dating. This is a sign that you really don’t understand her. It is not good to get that look from her – not at any time. Give her your ears and your eyes because television is a waste of time while you have a chance to look at her as something precious, someone you will always cherish.
A boy wants to be a hero, even if it’s killing a bug. It never comes down to a misunderstanding when there is friction between you, it is your tone of voice. If you are happy in your tone, so is he. If you are sad in your tone, then he wants to fix it – whatever it is – all of it – so that you are happy again. Give him the opportunity. Let him be the General of all affairs. As president, you can consult with him on the best way to fight each battle. He has great ideas – you have his back – and good advice. That’s what he believes. Laugh at his opinions or tell him you won’t do what he says and you break his heart. Listen to his ideas, then help him see a better way. Or praise him for trying
Here are the laws of the house. Whomever cooks decides what will be eaten.
If you want to marry my girl and you cannot cook, you need to find someone new. She requires healthful food, snacks made with love, treats just because, and hearty meals made with good intentions. If you can’t make breakfast and lunch, you don’t get to marry dessert. Food is not better because of the microwave. Dinner does not come in plastic containers. Learn to pick out fruits and make a flavorful salad. Otherwise you need to find someone who likes your bad breath and rotten teeth.
If you want to marry my boy and all you can make is reservations, you had better be dirty, rotten, filthy, stinking rich (a la Warrant) because he knows that love comes from the kitchen. Take a class, take a class with him if you want. It’s okay to burn water. It is not okay to be ignorant of all the coordination it takes to put food on the table. It also takes a good heart and true love for the one you serve with a bowl and a plate.
Whomever wants to be happy, must figure out what happiness is for the two of you.
Before you marry my girl, remember that what goes in you will soon come out you. That means if you are eating fast food, chemical sodas, and processed flours, you probably look a mess. Got a pot belly, high cholesterol, and can’t touch your toes? Then I have to ask you, why are you here? Are you a magician or a hypnotist? In a short 10 years you will be a big sack of smell. Take care of yourself now. Eat right and live a healthy lifestyle. Drinking too much – again? GTFO. You don’t need my girl to help you or to change you. You need a Come-to-Jesus meeting with your pent up feelings of inadequacy. Do NOT share that bullshit with my girl. Fix that now. Tell your momma that you are cutting the apron strings. Stand on your own two feet. Walk like a man and then be one.
Before you marry my boy, remember that no matter what your family thinks you should do, you will probably do the opposite. So if they encourage you not to get pregnant and then get married, you should go on welfare with an unemployed jerk. Let the government decide what your monthly food budget will be. My boy needs a real woman who knows the value in waiting, the gift of patience, the meaning of courage, and the purpose for marriage. It is to have a safe place to love. The home is not a place to solve crisis after crisis when you don’t care what happens next. Of course he is a boy! With strong desires and ideas. He obviously likes you. You. Curvy or skinny, brash or quiet, tall or petite. If you do not like learning, please go marry some oaf with “a job.” My boy will love you first for your intelligence and then see your beauty inside and out as icing on the cake. He will not love you because you are stupid-but-sexy. If you are not educated, how can you counsel him?
Whomever thinks I am out of my mind, just look at your own parents.
My girl needs to be loved, even when she is unreasonable.
My boy needs to know you love him, even when you don’t feel like saying the words.
Dad (of sorts)
P.S. Two words get you out of trouble: ‘Okay’ and ‘Sorry.’
Two things that earn you a slap in the face from me: Lying about your love and lying about being sorry.
Think I’m joking?
Copyright © 1960-2015 Lawrence J. J. Leonard All rights reserved.