Bread Is Dangerous – with apologies to David J. Devejian
Important Warning for those drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:
1. More than 98% of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully 50% of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. More than 90% of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
4. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
5. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
6. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
This temperature can kill an adult in less than one minute!
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions because most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling:
A. No sale of bread to minors.
B. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
C. A 300% federal tax on bread to pay for societal ills we might associate with bread.
D. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools
Of course there is global warming.
Why do you think they call land the Earth’s crust?
Copyright © 1960-2015 Lawrence J. J. Leonard All rights reserved.